December 2021 Musings

                                                               HOPE FOR CHRISTMAS 
                                      A Christmas short story

       The grocery store was crowded that Christmas Eve. Joanna had done everything she could to avoid being in the store that afternoon, but she had to finish cleaning one last house before she could buy any food for Christmas dinner. Her two-year-old little boy was starting to whine, and her girls trudged along beside her looking almost as exhausted as she felt.
     Joanna sighed. She instantly regretted it when her glasses fogged up from her mask. The pandemic had been going on for almost two years, and she was bone-weary.
     “Mommy, can we get grapes?” Lexi asked, looking up at her hopefully.
     “No, baby, we can’t afford it,” Joanna told her. “And keep your hands away from your face.”
     How many things had she already told them they couldn’t have? She’d lost track. Her kids were so used to her not being able to afford things that they didn’t even fuss about it like other children.
     “Mommy, out!” James said again. 
     She started to sigh but stopped herself and pulled him out of the seat and onto her hip. They got in line six feet behind the man in front of them, and Joanna looked in her cart. Christmas dinner was going to be small and simple, but even so, she wasn’t sure she would have enough money to cover everything. She made a mental note of what she would leave behind if she had to eliminate something as James made a grab for the candy on the nearby rack.
     “No,” she told him, rocking him back and forth.
     Sarah, her oldest daughter, came to her rescue.
     “Peekaboo!” she said, hiding behind Joanna and then popping out in front of him.
     James giggled, and then mercifully it was their turn to check out. When the cashier told Joanna her total, it was a few more dollars than she had. Regretfully, she took the kids' Veggie Straws out of a bag and handed them back. They were the girls’ favorite snack that she could never afford, and she had been hoping they would be something fun for them to have on Christmas.
     “We’ll leave these,” she said, feeling like the worst mom in the world.
     The girls looked down, clearly disappointed, but they didn’t complain. Joanna pulled the cart behind her, still carrying James, and found their van. She buckled him into his car seat, then put hand sanitizer on all the little hands. 
     “I’m going to deal with the groceries,” she said, “be right back.”
     She handed them baby wipes, then went around to the back of the beat up old van. It was while she was putting the heavy potatoes in that she heard a deep voice behind her.
     “Jo? Is that you?”
     Her heart stopped, it really did, just for a moment, and she turned slowly around. Ben stood there smiling at her. His hair a little silver at the temples, a mask dangling from one ear, but still, unmistakably, Ben, her high school sweetheart and first love.
      A smile lit up her face, and even though he couldn’t see it behind her mask, he must have seen it in her eyes because he put his own mask back on and hugged her, then twirled her around in a big circle.
     “It’s so good to see you!” he said, putting her back on her feet. “How’ve you been?”
     “Umm, okay,” Joanna said, trying to pull herself together.
     “Are you visiting for Christmas?”
     “Actually, the kids and I just moved back, and we’re living in Mama’s old house.”
     “Oh...I was sorry to hear about your Mama,” he said, gently. “And... your husband?”
     “We’re divorced,” she told him, “and he’s still up north.”
     “I’m sorry,” he said again.
     Joanna was sorry about her Mama too, she missed her every day. But she wasn’t sorry about her marriage. It had been a big mistake, and it had ended when her ex-husband cheated on her with another woman. It was hard making it on her own, exhausting being a single mom, but she was thankful to be free.
     She looked into Ben’s beautiful brown eyes.
     “And you? Do you have a family?”
     “Just my horses and my dogs,” he told her cheerfully. “I still live out at the ranch.”
     “Mommy!” James suddenly wailed from inside the van.
     “Oh, I’ve kept you too long,” Ben said. “I’ll let you go, but could I say hi to the kids first?”
     Joanna remembered that he had always loved children.
     “Of course, come on around.”
     She opened the door, and he leaned down, smiling.
     “Hi, guys!”
     “Hi!” the girls said in unison. 
     James looked steadfastly the other way.
     “I’m Ben, an old friend of your Mom’s. Are you ready for Christmas?”
     “Yes, sir,” Lexi said.
     Sarah nodded silently.
     “Hey...” Ben said, straightening up and turning to Joanna. “I don’t know if you already have plans for tonight, but my church is having a Christmas Eve service, and you’re welcome to come. It’s at my old church, the same one that you used to go to with me. There will be some really fun activities for the kids and Christmas carols.”
     Joanna noticed the girls grinning and whispering to each other.
     “There’ll be some fun for the grown-ups, too,” Ben added, winking.
     She couldn’t see his dimples, but she knew they were there.
     “Thanks, I’ll think about it,” she promised.
     “Great, if you let me see your phone I’ll add myself to your contacts, and if you decide to come I’ll text you the time and details.”
     While she rummaged in her backpack for her cellphone, he jogged across to his big Ram truck and reached inside, then came back rubbing sanitizer on his hands.
     “There we go, okay…”
     He put his number in and handed her phone back to her. They stared at each other for a minute with silly grins on their faces until James started to fuss again.
     “Oh, right,” he said, “I have to let you go. I’m so glad that I ran into you.”
     “Me too,” she said, thinking what an understatement that was. “It was really good to see you, Ben.”
     “You too. Maybe I’ll see you tonight?”
     He gave her one last grin, then turned and headed back to his truck. She admired him as he went, from the top of his cowboy hat to the tips of his dusty cowboy boots. 
     When she had climbed in the van and buckled up, Sarah said, “He was nice, Mommy.”
     “Yeah, he is,” Joanna agreed, digging through her backpack again for a baggie of Cheerios. “Here, open these and give them to James for me, please.”
     The whining stopped. It would only be temporary, but it was a relief.
     “Can we go to church tonight, Mommy?” Lexi asked.
     That was the question that Joanna had been asking herself.
     “I’m not sure yet; let me think on it.”
     “If we go, I’m wearing my red dress,” Lexi said, sounding pleased.
     “If we go, I’m wearing jeans and a hoodie,” Sarah told her.
     “You can’t wear jeans to church on Christmas Eve!” Lexi said.
     “Can too!”
     While they bickered, Joanna tried to decide what to do. She was still amazed that she had run into Ben, and she felt flushed with excitement. She glanced in the rearview mirror and touched her pink cheek. If only she would have taken a few minutes to tidy herself up before they ran to the store. Her coat was at least ten years old, and her long hair that was starting to be threaded with silver was slipping out of her ponytail. The truth was, she couldn’t remember the last time that she cared what she looked like.
     On that depressing thought, she started to contemplate how she had gotten to where she was in life. Part of it was her past mistakes, she acknowledged that, but part of it was also that she was trying to live a dream. Joanna was a writer who had always dreamed of writing a novel, and now she had done it. Juggling writing with her house cleaning business and her kids had been hard, but worth it. There was never enough money, but she had hoped that it would be easier when her book was out in the world. It turned out, though, that actually getting published was way harder than she thought it would be. The first step was finding an agent, and that was next to impossible. She had queried nearly a hundred agents with her manuscript, but when she checked her email there was always just another rejection. Maybe it was time to give up. 
     “James is asleep, Mommy.”
     “Okay, thanks, honey.”
     She glanced back at her girls. The next day was Christmas and they were so excited, but she had only been able to buy them one gift each. She couldn’t even buy them their favorite snack. And now they wanted to go to church. It might be fun for them, but Joanna was nervous. She didn’t have anything decent to wear, and there would be so many new people to talk to. 
     But it’s Christmas Eve, she told herself firmly, and surely she could find enough Christmas spirit to do it for her kids. She took a deep breath- and decided to go.


                                                                                            ~


     Joanna had made the right decision for once. The Christmas Eve service at Ben’s church had been perfect. They had kept it mostly outside for safety, everyone had worn their masks, and the people had been endlessly kind. The kids had fun and made new friends, and as a bonus they had played so hard that they might even sleep in until seven the next day on Christmas morning. Probably not, but a girl could dream. 
     And then there was Ben. Joanna felt a smile on her face just thinking about him. During a quiet moment in between Christmas hymns, he had told her that he had missed her every day throughout the years. He had looked after her the whole evening so that she wouldn’t feel uncomfortable, and had even helped her chase after James.
     Joanna felt grateful. Grateful, but freezing cold. The temperature had dropped during the evening, and there was a heavy, damp feeling in the air. They were all four chilled to the bone. There wouldn’t be much relief when they got home, either. Her mom’s old house had an equally old furnace that barely worked. She needed to have a repair man come out and look at it, but there was never enough money for that. Her current plan was to get the kids home and into footie jammies and bed as quickly as possible so that she could pile all of the blankets in the house on top of them.
     It was a good plan, but like most of her plans it didn’t work out quite like she thought it would. She pulled her sleepy, cranky toddler out of his seat and hurried the girls to the door, then quickly opened it and went inside. It was icy. Something was wrong. She ran to the closest vent and held her hand over it and felt nothing at all, not even the lukewarm air that usually blew out of it. The old furnace had breathed its last.
     “I’m cold, Mommy!” Lexi said.
     “I know baby,” Joanna told her, rubbing her hands together and trying to think.
     It was Christmas Eve. No one would come to help them even if she had any money, which she didn’t. She sank down into a kitchen chair with her coat still on and let the black cloak of despair which had been following her around for weeks settle comfortably onto her shoulders.


                                                                                           ~


     “Mommy,” Joanna heard Sarah say, as if from far away.
     Slowly she became aware of her surroundings again, and the first thing she noticed was the hot tears on her cheeks. She tried so hard to never cry in front of the kids, she knew how unsettling it was for them, but somehow it almost didn’t seem to matter anymore.
     “Mommy!”
     This time Lexi yanked on her coat sleeve. Both of the girls were pressed up against her legs, and James was still in her lap, huddled as far into her coat as he could go. Lord, she prayed, give me strength- show me what to do. Then a plan began to form in her mind. There was only one heat source in the house, and that was the kitchen oven. Sometimes on cold mornings she would turn it on and leave the door cracked, and they would gather around it to keep warm while she made pancakes. They would just have to sleep in the kitchen close to the stove. It would be the only way to not freeze during the night.
     “Baby,” she said to Sarah, “run back to Grandma’s room where our moving boxes are and see if you can find me the blowup bed we brought from the old house.”
     Sarah took off through the house with her sister close behind, flipping lights on as she went. Joanna hoisted James up onto her hip, then went to preheat the oven. A half hour later, the bed was ready and sitting in the middle of the old farmhouse kitchen with every blanket they could find in the house piled on top of it. Teeth were brushed, jammies were on, and they were all cuddled in and ready for the bedtime story. Joanna propped herself up higher with a pillow and opened the book.
     “Wait!” Sarah said suddenly. “Did you check your email today to see if any agents got back to you?”
     Joanna sighed and set the book back down. She felt emotionally drained and exhausted, and she just wanted to go to sleep. 
     “No, I didn’t,” she said wearily.
     Lexi knew that Joanna was writing a book, but she didn’t understand much more than that. Sarah was nine, however, and had more of a grasp of the situation. She knew that if Mommy got an agent, then the agent would help Mommy sell her book. And she knew that Mommy checked her email all of the time because that was the place where this agent magic would happen.
     “Check it now!” Sarah encouraged her.
     “Honey, listen,” Joanna said, “I appreciate you being on Mommy’s team for sure, but agents spend time with their families during Christmas break just like everyone else, and they don’t have much time to read. I probably won’t hear anything at all from any of the agents I queried until after the New Year.”
     “But Mommy,” Sarah said earnestly, “tonight at Ben’s church the kids had prayer request time before we played games, and I prayed for you to get good news from an agent.”
     “Awww, I appreciate that, baby, thank you.”
     Joanna picked the Christmas book back up.
     “Go and check, Mommy,” Lexi said, starting to pick up on her sister’s excitement.
     Joanna hated to disappoint them, but she realized that she would have to check her email if there was any hope of them listening to the story and going to sleep. She got up and winced when her feet touched the icy floor, then went to get her phone out of her backpack where she had left it hanging on a hook by the door. James tried to follow her, and Sarah held him on the bed, which made him wail. Joanna hurried back and climbed underneath the covers. 
     Big eyes watched as she checked her email. As soon as it loaded, she was surprised to see that there was an agent reply, and she braced herself for that sinking feeling in her stomach and in her heart that always accompanied a rejection. She tapped on it, dreading telling the girls. 
     And then she caught her breath. For the second time that day, her heart seemed to stop. It wasn’t a rejection after all! As a matter of fact, it was the exact opposite- it was an offer of representation, and an invitation to set up a call at her convenience after Christmas.
     “Mommy?” Sarah asked, sounding concerned.
     Joanna realized that she was just staring at her phone. She looked up.
     “You were right, I did hear back from an agent! She was one of my favorites, too. She wants me to call her after Christmas.”
     “That’s good, right?” Sarah asked.
     “That’s the best thing ever, baby!” Joanna told her, pulling all three of her kids into a big bear hug.
     “I told you!” Sarah said, all smiles now. “It’s a Christmas miracle!”
     “You know, I think it just might be,” Joanna told her. “Now, let’s get you to sleep so Christmas can come.”
     James was grabbing for her phone, so she went to put it back in her backpack before she tucked them in. This time she was glad to feel the icy floor because it meant that she wasn’t dreaming. As she slipped her phone in one of the front pockets, she noticed an envelope. 
     “What’s this?” she wondered out loud.
     She opened it and was amazed to see money inside. 
     “What in the world?”
     She pulled the money out and started counting it slowly, almost unable to believe her eyes. There was enough money in her hands to call someone to repair the furnace. There was enough to pay the electric bill which had been worrying her for days. And there was even enough for a big bag of Veggie Straws.    Someone at the church must have snuck the envelope into her backpack before she left.
     Just then her phone dinged, and she pulled it out. It was a text from Ben.
     “Hey Jo! I hope you and the kids had fun tonight. Wondered if maybe you would like to bring them out to the ranch after lunch tomorrow? We could show them all the animals, and I have a little pony I think is just the right size for them to ride. Please? I would love to see you, Jo.”
     She grinned and didn’t even have to think about her reply. 
     “I can’t think of anything I would love more,” she texted back. “And thank you.”
     In somewhat of a daze, she walked back into the kitchen with the kids and stopped just before she climbed into the bed. They all became quiet and listened.
     It was a Christmas carol. Ever so softly, they could hear the beautiful words of O Holy Night outside the window. The girls flew out of the bed and ran into the living room with Joanna and James right behind them. Joanna pulled back the curtain and wrapped them all up in an afghan from the back of the couch, and they looked out.
     There, in the middle of the front yard, illuminated by a beautiful moon, stood a group of people singing. 
     “Christmas carolers!” Lexi whispered.
     But it can’t be, Joanna thought. Their old farmhouse was out in the middle of nowhere, and they had never had Christmas carolers before. And yet there they were. When the lovely song ended, the carolers began to sing Joy to the World. As Joanna watched, the first delicate snowflakes began to fall.
     “It’s snowing!” the girls shrieked. “Can we go out? Please, please?”
     Joanna decided that it was a night to throw caution to the wind, a night to make memories, and she really wanted to thank whoever had driven so far down the old country road to sing Christmas carols for them.
     “Okay, guys, but only for a few minutes, it’s getting really late.”
     The girls were already running for the back door.
     “Put your coats on!”
     Joanna slipped her own coat on and zipped James into his, then followed them out. The snow was getting thicker, and the ground was covered in a thin white layer like cake frosting. The front lawn was covered too when they walked around the side of the house- even the spot where the Christmas carolers had been only a few minutes before. It was as if no one had been there at all; even the snow in the driveway was untouched.
     “What on earth?” Joanna said.
     But the girls weren’t listening. They were running around with upturned faces trying to catch the falling flakes on their tongues. She laughed and ran to them, and they all danced in a circle together in the snow.
     Joanna felt something then that she hadn’t felt in a very long time. She felt hope. And hope, after all, was what Christmas was all about.

                                                                                The End